Faking Honesty

I know, there hasn’t been a blog post for a while. I’ve been busy… for being unemployed. Really, I have been busy. But that’s not why there haven’t been any blog posts. You see, I’ve been writing blog posts. I just haven’t been posting them. I know, that doesn’t make sense when the purpose of writing blog posts is to post them online and let other people read them. That’s kind of what bloggers do. That’s what makes them bloggers. I guess maybe that means I’m a crappy blogger. But the fact that I’m blogging now has to count for something, right?

Just to let you in on a little secret, I guess the reason I haven’t posted any of the blog posts I’ve written lately is because, well, they’re too honest. And I’m just not sure I want to be that honest. So until I can find something to say that is more comfortable, less risky, and ultimately a less honest level of honest, I just won’t say much. In other words, until I can find a way to convincingly feign honesty (which would seem to be an oxymoron), I’m not going to risk being really, truly honest. Faking it is so much easier.

I remember times when I’ve been leading a small group Bible study or something and I really want the group to go deeper and learn to trust and be candid with each other. How do I try to get this to happen? As part of the discussion I share with the group some secret or fault or struggle from my own life as a way of modeling transparency and honesty and trust. The thing its, the secret or fault or struggle from my own life typically isn’t something that is a big deal to me in any way, shape, or form, but I play it up like it’s a big deal because I’m trying to set an example. That makes total sense, right? I’m basically pretending to be open and honest. It’s feigned honesty… which really isn’t honesty at all. And the truth is, most of us are quite accomplished at this sort of thing. What we are generally NOT good is, is true transparency, true openness, true honesty.

And you know what? It’s impossible to have true community and true friendship without those things. How are we ever going to really know each other deeply and do life together with authenticity if all of us are continually running around faking it? (That’s a rhetorical question. The answer is implied.)

Now, I’m not saying the Internet is necessarily the place to live this out. There are some things with which the nameless masses don’t need to be privy. But there has to be SOMEONE (or someoneS) who we are willing to share everything with, even the last 5%. As it is, we typically only share the stuff that we really don’t need to share while the stuff that is absolutely eating us up inside and even threatening to destroy our lives remains hidden, just out of sight, covered with a fake smile and a thin veneer of false-spirituality, like a smelly, festering sore being covered with a Hello Kitty Band-Aid.

But here’s the thing: That last 5% that lurks in the dark recesses of our lives only becomes more powerful the harder we try to keep it hidden. So it continues tearing us apart from the inside out because we are so afraid of the consequences of having our dirty laundry aired and having our dark secrets brought out into the light. But here’s the thing about deep, dark secrets that are brought out into the light: They cease being deep dark secrets. They get a little lighter and a little less secret, and because of that, they begin to lose a little of their power over you.

I think that’s why Paul said “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:2 NIV).” I don’t know about you, but that verse is hard for me to live out. It’s not hard for me to carry someone else’s burden; it’s hard for me to suck it up and be honest enough to share my burdens with someone else so they can help me carry them. And that needs to stop. So maybe in a few days I’ll throw up a few long-simmering blog posts. Or not. (See, I’m just being honest!)