T minus 5 days... and counting. Does it have to be counting?

Today is Wednesday. It is also the last Wednesday I will be employed by my church. Tomorrow is the last Thursday. Friday is the last Friday. Saturday is… well, you get the idea. This is my last week of work. It’s the last few days until I launch out into this next chapter in my life, whatever that might just happen to be. There is certainly a degree of sadness over all that I’ll be losing—the closeness of a lot of relationships, the ability to help lead a church that I love and that I had a hand in building and shaping, and so many other things. There is also a degree of excitement for whatever the future holds. And then there’s the vomiting. Ok, not real, actual, up-from-the-insides vomiting. Just the kind of stress and worry and “holy crap, I don’t have a job!” sorts of things that make me want to vomit… figuratively speaking, of course.

So, I need a job. And, honestly, I have some concerns about finding one, or at least finding one that will allow me to use my skills/talents/gifts in a way that is even remotely fulfilling. I have concerns about prospective employers understanding how my experience could possibly translate into the “real world.” And, I have concerns about being pigeonholed as a religious fruitcake. I can just imagine an HR person scanning my resume. BS in Business Administration. "Oh, that’s good." Good GPA, graduated in three years! “Oh, excellent.” Masters of Divinity? “What the heck is that?” Eight and a half years working in churches? “Whoa! Heck no!” Then I picture them channeling the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld and screaming, “No job for you!”

I’ve done a lot of talking over the last couple of months about living with radical obedience to Christ and being willing to take major steps of faith without knowing where they lead, and even as I was making the decisions that would force me to step out in faith in a way I hadn’t before, I had a total peace about it all. In fact, for quite a while my lack of freaking out actually freaked me out a little. Ahem. *dramatic pause* Yeah, that was then; this is now. More specifically, that was when I was still working and still drawing a paycheck. This is when I have less than a week to work and one last, single, solitary, lone paycheck coming, after which there will be no more. So, for all of my lack of freaking out over the past few months, I guess I’m making up for it this week. Oh, and then my little friend Doubt has been cuddling up next to me pretty regularly, also. He's quite the faithful companion. “What are you thinking?” he sneers. “What do you possibly have to offer?” he jeers. “You will never be anything!” he taunts. What a great friend, huh?

And I’m thinking, “I’m dealing with all of this junk already, and I’m not even done working yet! What’s it going to be like in two weeks? A month?” Ugh! How shallow is the faith pool I'm swimming in?

So I’ve been reminding myself, “You made this decision for the right reasons—because personal integrity and stewardship made it practical, and because obedience to Christ made it necessary.” And that makes me feel like a little less of an idiot, but it doesn’t make me feel any more employed. And in case you didn’t know, feeling like a little less of an idiot doesn’t pay very well.

But…

Even in the midst of the doubt and frustration, I know that God hasn’t called me to do this for nothing, so he must have a plan. And however big or small that plan might seem, it is HIS plan, and I want to be in on it. So even as I whine and mope and doubt…

I believe Him.

I trust Him.

I wait for Him.

And I put my life in His hands.


Do you ever struggle with doubt (or anything else) that tries to put a put out the fire that God has lit in you?