If you would have asked me last June what my expectations were for the next year and a half, never in a hundred thousand lifetimes would I have accurately guessed the journey my life would take over the next 15 months. I would have suggested that you were straightjacket-in-a-padded-room crazy if you would have suggested that there was even the slightest possibility that:
- I would feel God call my wife and me to step away from a church we helped launch, that we loved, and that we had devoted ourselves to for five amazing years.
- We would actually have the guts to be obedient to God’s call, even when I had no job, no plan, and no clue what the future would look like.
- I would end up driving 150 miles each day to work on my family’s farm, continuously considering the question of whether or not I want to start the process of taking over the business.
- I would suffer through some of the darkest, most difficult, painful, frustrating weeks--or maybe months--I have ever experienced, struggling for any inkling of direction or purpose.
- I would come through on the other side renewed and refreshed and better equipped for whatever the future might hold, with a ton of new perspective and a reignited passion for ministry.
- That because of #5 I would actually be thankful for #4.
Needless to say, it’s been an interesting journey.
I’ve learned a lot.
I’ve grown a lot.
I think I’ve matured a lot.
And I think a big part of that learning and growing and maturing is because I’ve also:
Prayed a lot.
Sought God a lot.
Focused on my relationship with God just because he’s my savior and my friend and not because it’s my job… a lot.
When I stepped away from my church I did so with excitement and eager anticipation about whatever spectacular and amazing and life-changing adventure God had in store for us. I couldn’t wait to figure out where we would be going or what we would be doing. Those questions consumed me. Maybe we would head to some exciting far-off country as missionaries. Maybe we would help lead some awesomely awesome church that was changing the world one person at a time. Or maybe… I would wait… and wait… and wait… and seemingly nothing would happen. At all.
As time marched on and those questions remained unanswered, the excitement and anticipation graciously stepped aside to make way for anxiety, frustration, disappointment, disillusionment, and despair to take center stage. Though I was still trying to trust in God, a part of me felt like he had let me down. I was thinking, “You spoke and I obeyed. I held up my end of the bargain. What’s the deal?!” It felt like a bait and switch and God was saying, “Oh, just kidding. Gotcha!”
But here’s the thing… You see, I was so obsessed with the endpoint that I completely missed the fact that maybe, just maybe, all of this had almost nothing to do with the destination and EVERYTHING to do with the journey. I was expecting something spectacular and amazing and life-changing, and I felt like I got something different. But as I look back I can see now that even though I might not describe the journey as spectacular or amazing, it has absolutely been life-changing.
And it was just exactly what I needed.
And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Whatever it is that God does have it store... I wasn’t ready for it in February. Or May. Or September. God had work to do in me first. He STILL has work to do. The truth, though, is that there may have been no other way for me to learn what I’ve learned, grow how I’ve grown, and mature how I’ve matured without going through all I’ve gone through and experiencing all I’ve experienced. I couldn’t see that then, but I can see it so clearly now.
I’m still waiting for a clear sense of direction or a sure answer to those destination questions, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t bug me at all. But as I realize all the ways God has been working in me, changing me, I am thankful that even though I don’t yet know the destination, all along God’s grand purpose may have been the journey.
“I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, ‘You are my God!’ My future is in your hands.” ~ Psalm 31:14-15a NLT
4 comments:
Oh my goodness! To be honest, this post means so much to me. When we followed our own call, I seriously thought the same thing, "All right God!!! Let's see what You've got!" and, like you said, it turned into. . .nothing. . .and everything. It's hard when you've followed God expecting the magical "thing" to happen, and it doesn't and then you just end up living your life and taking care of your family and then you tell people what you're doing now and you tell that that you are just. . . ordinary and. . . they aren't impressed. I think it's part pride for me. I want people to be IMPRESSED with where I am in my life. But, I am an ordinary mom and wife and we are living an ordinary life. We aren't heading any huge ministry that going to change the world. But, we are thinking about how we can do things differently everyday, when it comes to everyday things. And, maybe, it won't impress people, but I pray, I PRAY that it impresses God. I want Him to be happy with my life, even though, to me, it looks so ordinary.
Thanks!!!!!
Judy
Wow. Thanks for your awesome comments, Judy. Interestingly enough, that seems to be something I needed to hear. It's funny how that works.
Oh, and I totally second the pride thing. There are lots of reasons I want to be a part of something incredible, and most of those reasons are good reasons, but I'd be lying if I said there was no pride involved. Sometimes the most humbling thing is realizing how not humble you are... and simultaneously being humbled by the circumstances in which you find yourself.
God keeps reminding me as well that it's truly about the journey.
It's so hard sometimes, because like Judy, I still want people to be impressed with me and with my life (even as I try to "humbly" insist otherwise). I still want that lofty-to-me goal. I still need to be reminded daily that I take pride in my humility...ugh.
This is not where I thought I'd be right now, Geoff. I know I've taken some stupidly wide detours in the past, but I truly believe I'm at least close to the path that God chose for me. I feel like I might even know the "someday" destination. I'm just not getting the "when" of it.
Right now I mostly feel like I'm in one of those hideous word problems: If Train D(ena) leaves the station at 1:42 PM, traveling XX mph, how long will it take her to get to her destination, if God says the variables (speed & destination) will remain unknown until a time of his choosing? Ever feel like that? ;-)
I like to say sometimes that God has pushed the "pause" button on my life, but it's so not true! If I walk through these days on PAUSE (except how do I walk if I'm paused? Hmm...), I'll never get what I need to get in order to get to the place where I'm really supposed to be.
The theme of Catalyst was "Be Present" and I got pretty slammed by that. I spend so much time looking ahead and dreaming of what I'll do someday, I miss some of the beautiful/hard/precious/tragic/let's-grow-from-this moments. And I don't want to do that. I need to savor these moments.
Sorry...that was me in that last comment. Somehow, it decided I was anonymous!
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